Downward Spiral

Oh dear.


People who don’t want to read a negative blog are advised to click away now. There is only one thing that could be considered good in my life right now. I have now been without cider, or any other alcoholic beverage, for over 4 weeks now. Just goes to show what can be done when I put my mind to it etc. I well pleased with myself. Unfortunately that is the only positive right now.


I’m fed up of university, I’m fed up of being poor, I’m fed up of being single, I’m fed up of having no job and I’m fed up of having to rely on my parents. Although these troubles in my life have been well documented in previous posts, things have now taken a turn for the worse.


The trouble is that I’m now starting to get fed up of life itself. Getting fed up of faffing around, trying to sort things out. Getting fed up of not getting anywhere at all. It seems like I’m just going round and round in circles. I’m fed up of the same routine, day in, day out. I know exactly what is gonna happen each day. I want to do something different, something new, something exciting.


And yet, I don’t know what ‘that is’. I don’t know what I want from life. What the hell do I want to achieve in life? What am I going to do in 5 years time, 2 years time, or even after Christmas? And I’m fed up of people who say they understand you, when it’s plainly obvious they don’t even after I have explained what is wrong. Or wonder why you are getting depressed, and say that you are just feeling sorry for yourself, cheer up, when it is not that easy to ‘cheer up’. If it was easy to do then I wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.


*sighs*


I give up…it looks like life is pointless and then you die.

Thumbs up and Thumbs down

It’s been a while since I updated this blog thingy, so I will just summarise the good points and points since the last entry


Thumbs up


I have actually done some work for university. I’m well impressed. It was the introduction for my dissertation, and while it needs a bit of smoothing out and backing up with the relevant research, the main part of it is done. Woop! Whenever I write any assignment the introduction is always the hardest bit to do, and now that I have done this I can get on with the rest of the assignment. Only 9300 words to go lol.


And the rest of university is now getting a bit more interesting. I am managing to attend most lessons as opposed to some of them. My psychology lecturer is going to get me a copy of the POMS questionnaire which I have been searching for all summer without any success. And I’m starting to get stuck into various assignments. Yay.


It has now been 2 weeks and 3 days (and 4 hours and 17 minutes to be precise lol) since my last drink. Cor I’m well proud of myself. Just goes to show that if you actually want to quit something then you can. A couple of my flatmates are trying to quit smoking, but are not getting very far. The reason of course is that deep down, they still want to smoke, and hence they don’t have a hope in hells chance of quitting.


Thumbs down


On the downside of life at the moment is that I’m still jobless, and moneyless, which is getting annoying. Almost every shop in Lincoln now has a copy of my CV, and still I am not getting any luck.


*Stops and thinks about it*


Bugger. Have just realised that I got a new phone number recently. And most of the CVs handed out had my old number on as the only way of contact. Loads of people could have been offering me jobs and I wouldn’t bloody know. Means I will have to hand all the CVs out again. Great


Ah well, apart from that life is still pretty good

It seems that life is finally on the up again

God I have missed training. Last night was the first night I had been since it happened. And while the session was hard work (forgetting some techniques, relearning others) I felt so good when it ended. Exhilarated even. We finished of with 20 minutes of sparring, and I was absolutely knackered and dripping with sweat, but with a huge stupid grin plastered across my face. And now I almost wonder why on earth I missed the last 2 months of training.


*shakes head*


Ah well I’m back now that’s all that matters. But things have changed in my absence. The attendances have dropped big time so that the Wednesday session has now been cancelled. This means I can now only train once a week, unless I can get myself to a session on Thursday evening. I think I’m gonna have to see the instructor next week to see what can my options are.


After training I went to Onestop (it’s only just up the road) to get a drink and talk to people. There was the assistant manager J, and another girl called D there. I don’t want to name her or anything, but I used to work with D briefly, and I fancy the pants off her. I know she is quiet and shy, but it is the quietness of someone who has a brain and chooses to pay attention and listen to the conversation rather than open her gob at the first opportunity. And she does karate as well. She is also drop dead gorgeous which helps, with a smile that is mesmerising. I had been trying to meet up with her outside work for a while but wasn’t making much progress.


Yesterday however we were talking. And as I got ready to leave, I asked if she wanted to meet up soon. To go for a drink or something (non-alcoholic of course) and she said that sounded good. We arranged for today, later on this afternoon, and a place to meet and stuff. I was struggling to keep hold of my emotions, to try and stay cool, calm and collected. Until she then told me she was going to Birmingham next week to see her boyfriend. And my heart plummeted back down to earth.


Typical, the first girl who potentially looks interesting (after the mess with my ex) is already taken. So instead of a meeting with potential later today, we will meet as friends and leave as just friends. I do have my foot in the door now though. Which is better than nowt, as she obviously now sees me as a friend. Just need to be patient until she dumps him. I wouldn’t dream of getting in the way of their relationship, or interfering. She is a good friend and I wouldn’t want see her get hurt or get upset. Just gonna wait patiently and see what happens i suppose.

1 week and no consumption of alcohol or alcohol-related products yay!

A prediction that came true?

Last week Fe, my flatemate, read my tarot. The reading was done from a 3 card spread, representing: the past, the present and the future. The past said I had made a mistake with money, and that I regretted it. This was easy to work out, as I had quit my job at onestop a month prior and now had severe money woes i.e. I had none. The future said that at some point money problems would go away, so evidently I am due to get a job at some point. However, the ‘present’ card was harder to work out. To paraphrase, the explanation was basically “something will happen that will have a positive effect on you, but you shouldn’t forget the people who help you achieve this”.


And this had me stumped. There were various areas of my life which aren’t very good at that moment. But I had no inkling as to which would be improved, how much it would be improved, or who I should thank after it had improved. But I think I have worked it out.


I was wandering through town earlier today, I had bought lucozade from Poundland (surprise surprise lol) and was about to go in HMV to browse when I bumped into a good friend of mine that I do kung fu with. As I haven’t been training for the last 2 months he was understandably interested in when I was going to come back. Anyways we had a quick chat (bout 5 mins) and then he went off to meet his girlfriend.


And as I carried on into HMV to look at music, I kept thinking about what he said, and the implications of it. It me realise three things I hadn’t thought of before.


Firstly was that there were people out there who cared about me. Having grown up and spent most of my life on my own, I am generally under the impression that most people think I’m weird/strange and have no interest in me. Hence it usually comes as a surprise when I find out that other people are concerned or worried about me.


Secondly I had always given myself reasons and excuses that prevented me from going. It started of with blaming the incidence at onestop which I think is justifiable, but recently I have been ‘too tired to go’ because of starting university. And yet I know deep down that is actually a load of rubbish. After thinking about it, I now realise the main reason for not going back was because I would have to explain what happened. And admit, that as a Martial Artist with 4.5 years worth of fighting experience I had failed to use my training. I had 5 seconds to fight back, to gain the upper hand and take charge of the situation, and I froze solid. And I have now accepted that I did fail.


But thirdly and finally, that there is nothing wrong with failure. I was put in a potentially difficult situation and I wasn’t good enough. However, just because I didn’t succeed doesn’t mean that I failed. I did try to fight back until I was overpowered, but I wasn’t able to. I know now what I did wrong (should have gone straight outside instead intercepting the burglars, should have been more aggressive as a fighter when I intercepted them, should have been quicker etc…). And I am going to learn from these mistakes so that if it happens next time (touch wood) I will do better. I WILL do better. Failure is giving up, not trying at all. And I’m not gonna give up, I’m not going to fail.


And these revelations mean I am now going to go training next Monday. Although I promised my kung fu mate I would, I owe it to myself to go. The bastards did enough damage to me when they broke in by breaking my phone, my glasses and forcing me to quit my job. But the Martial Arts are one of the few positives in my life (the experience of which has helped me develop as a person; physically, mentally, socially and spiritually) and I REFUSE to let them take that away from me.


And in conclusion, all of these revelations all came about due to the influence of the ‘present’ tarot card I received last week. The area in life that has been helped is the martial arts (and what they mean to me) and the person who helped was the friend I met today. The very brief 5 minute chat we had was just enough to get me thinking.


And I feel a damn sight better for it. Thank You.


Oh and in other news 6 alcohol-free days and counting woop!

Failed

Well I said I was gonna stay up all night and not actually go to bed, but at 6am this morning I was already feeling tired. I went to bed to have 4 hours sleep and wake up by 10am, but failed and woke up at 12. Promptly missed the tennis session at half 12 again, but managed to actually go the biomechanics lecture this afternoon. Was only my third attempt of trying. But hopefully I should be able to go to sleep tonight at a reasonable time, as I need to be at university early tomorrow.


And I have loads of work to do yay. I’d better get on with it then…

No sleep is allowed

Another thing that is currently annoying me in my life is my currently sleeping pattern. I have got into the habit of spending all day in my bed on days off. This means that when it comes to a day when I need to go to university, I really struggle to get out of bed. And end up having 10 minutes to get dressed, pack my bag and sprint to university. Not good as I’m sure people will agree. I have missed lectures already because of it. And have never gone to university on a Thursday as I can’t be arsed to move. Getting up late also means I am not able to get to sleep till 5 or 6 am. And the cycle starts again.


So I am taking the radical steps of resetting my body clock. Basically this means I got up on Wednesday afternoon at 3 pm and don’t plan to go to bed until about 9pm Thursday night. The plan being that I will then get up at a reasonable time on Friday morning, and start a new routine of going to bed at a reasonable time, and getting up the next day quite early.


This does unfortunately mean that tomorrow (today) is gonna be a well crap day, as I will be up for 30 hours straight.


Yay.


Update: 5 days and still no alcohol. Go me!

Feeling Hopeful… (plus a quick rant for old times sakes)

I felt a different emotion today. An emotion totally different to how I have felt for the past 3 weeks (since I started university). I was so taken aback that I almost didn’t realise what it was. Not quite happiness, but close enough to it to be good enough for now. Let me explain…


I recently started the 3rd and final year of university. And I will honestly admit I didn’t want to be there. Not at all. As far as I was concerned, I was fed of being poor and overworked, and wanted to get a proper job (whatever that may be) and get paid a proper wage. When I first began, university was amazing, and now it is getting in the way. I had zero motivation for turning up to lectures or doing any work so hence I didn’t bother.


Not a good idea, as I’m sure that you will agree. I knew that this wasn’t the right way to go about finishing this year and getting a decent grade (a 2:1, fingers crossed) but knowing this didn’t motivate me either. This all changed after two lectures; one yesterday evening and this afternoon.


Yesterdays lecture was on Sports Injuries, the first time in the 3 years I had been at university that we had been taught this subject. I thoroughly enjoyed it. And it made me remember one of the key reasons that I began university: to learn more about sport injuries and was of treating/preventing them. Which cheered me up a bit. Then there was the sport psychology lecture today, which was run by a new lecturer, and he was miles better than the last one. No respect to last years, she had a wealth of knowledge, but she was so boring, and took all of the fun out the subject. I almost didn’t take the subject this year as I knew I would have to sit through mind-numbing lectures, constantly looking at the clock. The new bloke is so much better, as he is so passionate about the subject. He actually enjoys teaching it. And again that cheered me up, as I was almost ready to give up on the subject. The year ahead now looks enjoyable as opposed to a burden. It has already had a positive on me; I started work on my dissertation, and another assignment.


Things can only get better I thinks.


Plus an update on the alcohol front, it has been 3 days since my last drink. And i feel so much better for quiting.




*start rant*


The Royal Mail is pissing me of right now with the current strike in place. Why the hell is there another strike? I’m waiting for a parcel and yet have no idea when it will actually arrive! Plus, due to there being a failure in the talks between the Royal Mail and the Communication Workers Union, there will be more strikes next Monday. The idiots on strike are asking for a better salary, but after this incident I don’t think they deserve it. They are just being a bunch of greedy, selfish gits.


*end rant*