Downward Spiral

Oh dear.


People who don’t want to read a negative blog are advised to click away now. There is only one thing that could be considered good in my life right now. I have now been without cider, or any other alcoholic beverage, for over 4 weeks now. Just goes to show what can be done when I put my mind to it etc. I well pleased with myself. Unfortunately that is the only positive right now.


I’m fed up of university, I’m fed up of being poor, I’m fed up of being single, I’m fed up of having no job and I’m fed up of having to rely on my parents. Although these troubles in my life have been well documented in previous posts, things have now taken a turn for the worse.


The trouble is that I’m now starting to get fed up of life itself. Getting fed up of faffing around, trying to sort things out. Getting fed up of not getting anywhere at all. It seems like I’m just going round and round in circles. I’m fed up of the same routine, day in, day out. I know exactly what is gonna happen each day. I want to do something different, something new, something exciting.


And yet, I don’t know what ‘that is’. I don’t know what I want from life. What the hell do I want to achieve in life? What am I going to do in 5 years time, 2 years time, or even after Christmas? And I’m fed up of people who say they understand you, when it’s plainly obvious they don’t even after I have explained what is wrong. Or wonder why you are getting depressed, and say that you are just feeling sorry for yourself, cheer up, when it is not that easy to ‘cheer up’. If it was easy to do then I wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.


*sighs*


I give up…it looks like life is pointless and then you die.

Thumbs up and Thumbs down

It’s been a while since I updated this blog thingy, so I will just summarise the good points and points since the last entry


Thumbs up


I have actually done some work for university. I’m well impressed. It was the introduction for my dissertation, and while it needs a bit of smoothing out and backing up with the relevant research, the main part of it is done. Woop! Whenever I write any assignment the introduction is always the hardest bit to do, and now that I have done this I can get on with the rest of the assignment. Only 9300 words to go lol.


And the rest of university is now getting a bit more interesting. I am managing to attend most lessons as opposed to some of them. My psychology lecturer is going to get me a copy of the POMS questionnaire which I have been searching for all summer without any success. And I’m starting to get stuck into various assignments. Yay.


It has now been 2 weeks and 3 days (and 4 hours and 17 minutes to be precise lol) since my last drink. Cor I’m well proud of myself. Just goes to show that if you actually want to quit something then you can. A couple of my flatmates are trying to quit smoking, but are not getting very far. The reason of course is that deep down, they still want to smoke, and hence they don’t have a hope in hells chance of quitting.


Thumbs down


On the downside of life at the moment is that I’m still jobless, and moneyless, which is getting annoying. Almost every shop in Lincoln now has a copy of my CV, and still I am not getting any luck.


*Stops and thinks about it*


Bugger. Have just realised that I got a new phone number recently. And most of the CVs handed out had my old number on as the only way of contact. Loads of people could have been offering me jobs and I wouldn’t bloody know. Means I will have to hand all the CVs out again. Great


Ah well, apart from that life is still pretty good

It seems that life is finally on the up again

God I have missed training. Last night was the first night I had been since it happened. And while the session was hard work (forgetting some techniques, relearning others) I felt so good when it ended. Exhilarated even. We finished of with 20 minutes of sparring, and I was absolutely knackered and dripping with sweat, but with a huge stupid grin plastered across my face. And now I almost wonder why on earth I missed the last 2 months of training.


*shakes head*


Ah well I’m back now that’s all that matters. But things have changed in my absence. The attendances have dropped big time so that the Wednesday session has now been cancelled. This means I can now only train once a week, unless I can get myself to a session on Thursday evening. I think I’m gonna have to see the instructor next week to see what can my options are.


After training I went to Onestop (it’s only just up the road) to get a drink and talk to people. There was the assistant manager J, and another girl called D there. I don’t want to name her or anything, but I used to work with D briefly, and I fancy the pants off her. I know she is quiet and shy, but it is the quietness of someone who has a brain and chooses to pay attention and listen to the conversation rather than open her gob at the first opportunity. And she does karate as well. She is also drop dead gorgeous which helps, with a smile that is mesmerising. I had been trying to meet up with her outside work for a while but wasn’t making much progress.


Yesterday however we were talking. And as I got ready to leave, I asked if she wanted to meet up soon. To go for a drink or something (non-alcoholic of course) and she said that sounded good. We arranged for today, later on this afternoon, and a place to meet and stuff. I was struggling to keep hold of my emotions, to try and stay cool, calm and collected. Until she then told me she was going to Birmingham next week to see her boyfriend. And my heart plummeted back down to earth.


Typical, the first girl who potentially looks interesting (after the mess with my ex) is already taken. So instead of a meeting with potential later today, we will meet as friends and leave as just friends. I do have my foot in the door now though. Which is better than nowt, as she obviously now sees me as a friend. Just need to be patient until she dumps him. I wouldn’t dream of getting in the way of their relationship, or interfering. She is a good friend and I wouldn’t want see her get hurt or get upset. Just gonna wait patiently and see what happens i suppose.

1 week and no consumption of alcohol or alcohol-related products yay!

A prediction that came true?

Last week Fe, my flatemate, read my tarot. The reading was done from a 3 card spread, representing: the past, the present and the future. The past said I had made a mistake with money, and that I regretted it. This was easy to work out, as I had quit my job at onestop a month prior and now had severe money woes i.e. I had none. The future said that at some point money problems would go away, so evidently I am due to get a job at some point. However, the ‘present’ card was harder to work out. To paraphrase, the explanation was basically “something will happen that will have a positive effect on you, but you shouldn’t forget the people who help you achieve this”.


And this had me stumped. There were various areas of my life which aren’t very good at that moment. But I had no inkling as to which would be improved, how much it would be improved, or who I should thank after it had improved. But I think I have worked it out.


I was wandering through town earlier today, I had bought lucozade from Poundland (surprise surprise lol) and was about to go in HMV to browse when I bumped into a good friend of mine that I do kung fu with. As I haven’t been training for the last 2 months he was understandably interested in when I was going to come back. Anyways we had a quick chat (bout 5 mins) and then he went off to meet his girlfriend.


And as I carried on into HMV to look at music, I kept thinking about what he said, and the implications of it. It me realise three things I hadn’t thought of before.


Firstly was that there were people out there who cared about me. Having grown up and spent most of my life on my own, I am generally under the impression that most people think I’m weird/strange and have no interest in me. Hence it usually comes as a surprise when I find out that other people are concerned or worried about me.


Secondly I had always given myself reasons and excuses that prevented me from going. It started of with blaming the incidence at onestop which I think is justifiable, but recently I have been ‘too tired to go’ because of starting university. And yet I know deep down that is actually a load of rubbish. After thinking about it, I now realise the main reason for not going back was because I would have to explain what happened. And admit, that as a Martial Artist with 4.5 years worth of fighting experience I had failed to use my training. I had 5 seconds to fight back, to gain the upper hand and take charge of the situation, and I froze solid. And I have now accepted that I did fail.


But thirdly and finally, that there is nothing wrong with failure. I was put in a potentially difficult situation and I wasn’t good enough. However, just because I didn’t succeed doesn’t mean that I failed. I did try to fight back until I was overpowered, but I wasn’t able to. I know now what I did wrong (should have gone straight outside instead intercepting the burglars, should have been more aggressive as a fighter when I intercepted them, should have been quicker etc…). And I am going to learn from these mistakes so that if it happens next time (touch wood) I will do better. I WILL do better. Failure is giving up, not trying at all. And I’m not gonna give up, I’m not going to fail.


And these revelations mean I am now going to go training next Monday. Although I promised my kung fu mate I would, I owe it to myself to go. The bastards did enough damage to me when they broke in by breaking my phone, my glasses and forcing me to quit my job. But the Martial Arts are one of the few positives in my life (the experience of which has helped me develop as a person; physically, mentally, socially and spiritually) and I REFUSE to let them take that away from me.


And in conclusion, all of these revelations all came about due to the influence of the ‘present’ tarot card I received last week. The area in life that has been helped is the martial arts (and what they mean to me) and the person who helped was the friend I met today. The very brief 5 minute chat we had was just enough to get me thinking.


And I feel a damn sight better for it. Thank You.


Oh and in other news 6 alcohol-free days and counting woop!

Failed

Well I said I was gonna stay up all night and not actually go to bed, but at 6am this morning I was already feeling tired. I went to bed to have 4 hours sleep and wake up by 10am, but failed and woke up at 12. Promptly missed the tennis session at half 12 again, but managed to actually go the biomechanics lecture this afternoon. Was only my third attempt of trying. But hopefully I should be able to go to sleep tonight at a reasonable time, as I need to be at university early tomorrow.


And I have loads of work to do yay. I’d better get on with it then…

No sleep is allowed

Another thing that is currently annoying me in my life is my currently sleeping pattern. I have got into the habit of spending all day in my bed on days off. This means that when it comes to a day when I need to go to university, I really struggle to get out of bed. And end up having 10 minutes to get dressed, pack my bag and sprint to university. Not good as I’m sure people will agree. I have missed lectures already because of it. And have never gone to university on a Thursday as I can’t be arsed to move. Getting up late also means I am not able to get to sleep till 5 or 6 am. And the cycle starts again.


So I am taking the radical steps of resetting my body clock. Basically this means I got up on Wednesday afternoon at 3 pm and don’t plan to go to bed until about 9pm Thursday night. The plan being that I will then get up at a reasonable time on Friday morning, and start a new routine of going to bed at a reasonable time, and getting up the next day quite early.


This does unfortunately mean that tomorrow (today) is gonna be a well crap day, as I will be up for 30 hours straight.


Yay.


Update: 5 days and still no alcohol. Go me!

Feeling Hopeful… (plus a quick rant for old times sakes)

I felt a different emotion today. An emotion totally different to how I have felt for the past 3 weeks (since I started university). I was so taken aback that I almost didn’t realise what it was. Not quite happiness, but close enough to it to be good enough for now. Let me explain…


I recently started the 3rd and final year of university. And I will honestly admit I didn’t want to be there. Not at all. As far as I was concerned, I was fed of being poor and overworked, and wanted to get a proper job (whatever that may be) and get paid a proper wage. When I first began, university was amazing, and now it is getting in the way. I had zero motivation for turning up to lectures or doing any work so hence I didn’t bother.


Not a good idea, as I’m sure that you will agree. I knew that this wasn’t the right way to go about finishing this year and getting a decent grade (a 2:1, fingers crossed) but knowing this didn’t motivate me either. This all changed after two lectures; one yesterday evening and this afternoon.


Yesterdays lecture was on Sports Injuries, the first time in the 3 years I had been at university that we had been taught this subject. I thoroughly enjoyed it. And it made me remember one of the key reasons that I began university: to learn more about sport injuries and was of treating/preventing them. Which cheered me up a bit. Then there was the sport psychology lecture today, which was run by a new lecturer, and he was miles better than the last one. No respect to last years, she had a wealth of knowledge, but she was so boring, and took all of the fun out the subject. I almost didn’t take the subject this year as I knew I would have to sit through mind-numbing lectures, constantly looking at the clock. The new bloke is so much better, as he is so passionate about the subject. He actually enjoys teaching it. And again that cheered me up, as I was almost ready to give up on the subject. The year ahead now looks enjoyable as opposed to a burden. It has already had a positive on me; I started work on my dissertation, and another assignment.


Things can only get better I thinks.


Plus an update on the alcohol front, it has been 3 days since my last drink. And i feel so much better for quiting.




*start rant*


The Royal Mail is pissing me of right now with the current strike in place. Why the hell is there another strike? I’m waiting for a parcel and yet have no idea when it will actually arrive! Plus, due to there being a failure in the talks between the Royal Mail and the Communication Workers Union, there will be more strikes next Monday. The idiots on strike are asking for a better salary, but after this incident I don’t think they deserve it. They are just being a bunch of greedy, selfish gits.


*end rant*

First Step...

It has finally reached this stage. I have seen it coming for a while, but its now here. And I feel that I’m now in the right frame of mind to do it (especially as this is now more 4th attempt this year to do it).


I have quit drinking.


And yes I do mean that this time. There are several reasons why this is the case:


1 - I actually can’t afford it. I can’t afford to go and get trashed every night. I can’t even afford to stay in and get trashed every night, as I lack monetary funds to do this (quit job etc…read previous post below).


2 - I am fed up of waking up every morning after with: a splitting headache, a mouth that tastes like sawdust and a severe hangover. It just doesn’t seem worth it anymore. Plus I don’t seem to crawl out of bed until 3pm which means most of the day has gone, and I have missed various lectures. Not good for my final year, trust me.


3 - I’m also fed up of waking up the next day with no recollection of the previous night. There will a couple of snap shot memories of me buying another pint. But I usually forget where we went, how I managed to stagger home, and whether I bought a pizza. Honestly, several times my flatmate said to me the next day: “did you enjoy that pizza last night?” I’m like “what pizza?” and I will deny all knowledge of said pizza till I find an empty pizza box in my room or a receipt from the delivery man.


4 - I don’t actually enjoy it anymore. I hate going to clubs with people packed together like sardines. I hate the fact that music is so loud you can’t have a decent conversation with other people. I hate the music full stop. I would much rather sit in a pub, with a bit of background music and talk to mates.


But the worse thing is; it has started to get to the point where I need it. Yesterday I went bowling, 2pm in the afternoon, and I needed a pint. Just to feel ok. A tin of coke or a coffee wouldn’t have felt the same. I needed alcohol in one form or another. And I know that is the first sign of alcohism. When you wake up, and start drinking. And I don’t want to do that. I served too many of them in Onestop, people so desperate to drink that they would start queuing at 8am just to buy a tin of Stella.


And God I don’t want to be like that, to be dependent on it.


I know that no-one will read this, but I feel I needed to say it anyway. This is the first step in changing, I know it will be hard (its my 4th attempt), but I know I can do it.


Here I Go.

Well i tried...

Woops it’s been a while since I blogged last (sorry niki), but I couldn’t be arsed. So here we go. I do have plenty to talk about though.


It’s been 3 weeks since it happened. And I tried to get back to normal at work, I really did. Although everyone questioned me going back to work so soon, I felt that it was the best option. You know, if you fall of a bike you get back on straight away. Unfortunately for the last two weeks I had been drinking 4/5 pints before I went to work. Basically denying to myself that any problem existed.


After going out on a Monday night and getting fairly drunk, I decided to have a break from drinking, give my body a break and stuff. And hence on Wednesday night, getting ready for work and still not drinking alcohol, I burst into tears in the pub (friends were drinking, I wasn’t). I just couldn’t face going at all. The mere thought of going to work filled me with dread. I don’t feel safe there anymore. I trusted the company and the manager to keep me safe while working. And they still broke in. How can I trust them again? So I phoned in 30 mins before I was due to start, and told them I wasn’t coming in. and the next morning I went in and told the boss I was quitting.


God I feel so much better for doing that. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and I can now breathe a sigh of relief. Unfortunately it means I’m now in desperate need of a new job, and don’t have much time to sort stuff out as university is gonna start soon. But I would much rather be in this position than still working, which is the main thing. Plus I didn’t just give up, I attempted to get back to work, and just wasn’t ready yet.


I have decided not to tell my parents that I have quit, until I manage to obtain a new job, as it will save a hell of a lot of grief.

Not something I want to go through again

Um.


I’m not sure how to start this to be honest.


On Friday evening I was due to go to work at 11pm, but got a phone call asking me to go in earlier as Alan was ill. So I actually started work at 9pm. No hardship really, I stood on the till serving customers until 11pm when I locked up the shop and Karen (co-worker) went home. I opened the hatch and carried on serving as normal. I should have had someone working with me through the night but he had phoned in sick. Didn’t bother me, I often work the night shift on my own, as there have been staff absences due to illness, holidays, or someone getting sacked.


At about 11:30 I served a guy some cigarettes. As I gave him the change he said to me: “watch those two over there” and pointed to 2 guys stood over the other side of the road. As I looked at them, they stared at me, then turned and walked away. “No worries” I said, as I banged the window in front of me. “They won’t get through this”. And I never gave it another thought. Carried on serving customers.


Later on, someone asked me for Pita Breads. I looked on the shelf and couldn’t see them, so I went into the warehouse out back but still couldn’t see any. As I was walking back to the till the alarm was going off. Confused, I turned and went back into the warehouse to check the firedoors, but they were still closed. I went back to the till and turned of the alarm. Must have been playing up or something.


Started to talk to the customer, and then the phone rang. Picked it up and found out it was the company who installed the alarm system. They said my alarm had been set off. I said “I know, but I checked the 3 doors and they were secure”. They said “the computer shows that it was the door on the first floor, did you check that?” “No, but I will check it now”. I ran down towards the warehouse, and a bloke jumped out round the corner, straight in front of me. I took a couple of steps backwards, then as he stepped forward to grab me; I grabbed him and pushed him back against the wall. Another bloke appeared on my left, punched me in the head and they pinned me down.


While trying to squash my head against the floor, someone was shouting “where’s the safe key!” I said they were on the till at the front of the shop. Someone else then shouted “who are you phoning?” I said no-one, the alarm people had phoned me. And with that they took off. All three ran out the back door. I got up and went to the front of the store to tell the alarm people that there had been a break in, but they had hung up. People outside who had seen what had happened shouted at me to get out.


I went out through the front door, and locked it again. Someone handed me a phone which had the police on the other end. As I was talking to them, 3 people ran out of the alleyway behind the shop, into a getaway car and sped off. The police said that people were on their way. 10 minutes later 2 cars showed up and started to talk to me. I filled them in with basic details and descriptions, and then the manager came. After explaining the situation about 6 times to 6 different people I was taken to the police station, where they took my uniform for evidence. I gave a ‘first account’ of the incident which isn’t a statement, more like a chance to ask questions while the incident was still fresh in my head. And then I went home.


I went into work the next day, purely to get out of the house, but also to talk to people. A good thing really as the area manager phoned, and I was able to fill him in. And police were going backwards and forwards all morning talking to me about what happened.



I think it is safe to say that it was an eventful night, but not something I would like to repeat if possible. Plus if I ever see the 3 blokes who did this, I will break their legs. I feel well shaky now, and my glasses and phone were broken in the process. Bastards.


I now have new glasses, which should be paid for by the company, and my phone has been sent off to be fixed.